The Letters of Fire and Ice
by Katarisha
Summary: A series of letters sent between Shepard and Alenko, starting just moments after their meeting on Horizon.
1. Chapter 1

_A series of letters sent between Catharzyna Shepard and Kaidan Alenko, starting just after their unfortunate meeting on Horizon. Shepard sends him first letter before even reading his "About Horizon..." one and thus this begins with her angry. _

_Feetback from you, dear readers are very much desired. Thank you very much for reading..._

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><p>BioWare owns all!<p>

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><p><em><strong>REGARDING HORIZON...<strong>_

Kaidan,

I just returned to ship, finished briefing, EDI got your address scanning you Omni-tool, and I really have to tell you few things.

I admit that my "greeting" you was way off, but I was feeling overwhelmed and numbed because of fear, anger and happiness at that time... Fear because I knew you are on Horizon and I was afraid that damned Collectors would take you, anger because I was to late and didn't managed to save the entire colony, and happiness after I have seen you standing infront of me alive and unharmed...

It was not how I imagined our meeting... and definitely if I could picked a place, it wouldn't be at the site of such unfortunate event... but that is how it goes, we rarely get what we want.

I understand that you are angry because I work with (not for) Cerberus. I am completely and utterly pissed about that also, but I have no choice Kaidan!

How dare you to accuse me of treason! HOW DARE YOU! You can accuse me of working with Cerberus, but NEVER of treason, not when Alliance betrayed me, not when they negated everything that WE did, not when they gave up on finding my body after what, few days of search, not after refusing to help me when they learned I am alive. They didn't even go out and find our Normandy, I went there personally, just few days ago... I walked among the debris, found the dog tags... choose a site of memorial... You didn't know that, right?

And how dare you to accuse me of betraying what we believed in! We believed in Alliance and even if they did to me all that, I am still sending reports to Anderson, I still am Alliance soldier even if they are to afraid to reinstate me, even if they don't trust me, they can not change how I feel. And I still believe in Humanity and cling to it even if most of the times I feel much less than human! And I still believe that Reapers are coming and that all living life, Council races and non-Council ones, should have place in space, should have the opportunity to endure, survive, exist. And not only that I believe so, I am also doing everything in my power to make it happen, and I will continue doing so, even if that will claim my life once more.

And how dare you to accuse me of betraying you! You have no idea how I wanted to... no, I will not go there. I asked Illusive Man about you, but he gave me no data, said your files are highly classified, I asked Anderson and he stonewalled me, Council doesn't know anything anyhow, and you yourself know how Udina is! I passed by your flat on the Citadel every time I was around but learned only that you sold it, I went to Flux, you know, where we danced so many times, but you were not there, I tried leaving you a message on you extranet mail, but you changed that also. So HOW THE FUCK was I to contact you?

And why I didn't let you know that I am alive for two years... I WASN'T ALIVE, I was FUCKING DEAD, D.E.A.D.! Hell, even now I am not sure I am alive, maybe I died and went to hell and all this shit is me paying for all the lives I took and lost... I certainly don't feel alive, I feel like fucking Husk... with one difference... I need to save ALL the fucking lives in all the fucking Galaxy! So I am very fucking sorry that I didn't sent you a letter or two when I was fucking dead!

And I am sorry that you had to see me on Horizon, that I, with my presence disturbed your inner-peace, I am sorry that I had to rush there and save your (_freaking good looking)_ ass, I am sorry that I didn't let Collectors to kill me and save you from the trouble of seeing me again!

That reminds me, where the hell were you when all the fighting was happening? I didn't seen you anywhere! It is very convenient, that you showed yourself only after the fight was over, isn't it? Enjoy your report to the Alliance and Citadel.

Anyhow, I have work to do and I am running late...

It was... nice... to see you... tho...

Alenko... I will try to do everything to stop Collectors but if I... fail... then Commander, be ready, the torch shall be yours...

_-Catharzyna Shepard_

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><p><em><strong>RE: REGARDING HORIZON...<strong>_

I don't know what to... Again... I am sorry for what I said on Horizon... Didn't you received my letter? I am sorry...

I need to write a report for Anderson... and I have a killer migraine right now... I am sorry... I will write more later...

_-Kidan_

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><p><em><strong>RE:RE: REGARDING HORIZON...<strong>_

Commander Alenko,

Oops... I got your letter, yes, I just didn't noticed it before sending you one. I guess I got it just a second before I pressed "send"... Going to read it now.

Take some rest, you have plenty of time before you reach the Citadel.

_-Catharzyna Shepard_

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><p><em>Anyhow, hope you liked this first set. I have quite some more to re-type on computer and they are comming in next, hm, I dont know, one hour or so...<br>_


	2. Chapter 2

BioWare owns all.

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><p><em><strong>HAVE SOME TIME...<strong>_

Shepard,

I have just enough time to write you quick few words. I am at Citadel now, waiting for meeting with Anderson.

So now I am Commander Alenko? Fine with me, if you want so.

I have seen how Swarn was released upon colonists, I tried to save them, but they sting me and paralyzed me. I couldn't move, I was forced to just watch how Collectors descended and started taking people away. I should do better, it was my fault that so many have been taken... Then I saw Collectors leaving everything, rushing somewhere else... I struggled until whatever hold they had released me... I heard the Defense Towers working and I hurried there, but when I came, it was all silent... and then I heard your voice... and then I saw you... I am glad that you were there, I am glad that you saved those that you could when I so miserably failed, but there is no need for you tu rub it in my face like that... I have enough trouble sleeping as it is, even without that...

With all due respect, but when people die they are dead, they don't get revived, Saying that you were... that is just... just fucking insulting! After all that we went trough... after what we had... I would think that I would at least deserve the truth!

I am sorry, but... you are working with Cerberus, Shepard! You know what they are capable of! We have both seen it! The woman I remember would never work for them, never work with them, she would rather die.

Or was I just a fool and you lied to me the whole time, and you secretly worked with them even then? Maybe everything you said to me then, maybe everything you said you feel was a lie,... maybe you played me just because you could... maybe... I don't know anything anymore...

Anderson is here... I need to go.

_-Kaidan_

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><p><em><strong>RE: HAVE SOME TIME<strong>_

Alenko,

I just came in, have finally some time for myself. We were on some from-god-forsaken-planet helping Jacob to find his father. You wouldn't believe how fucked up it was... humanity at its worst. The ship crashed on that planet ten years ago, and the food there does something to people, makes them forget how to write and do things and all, and Jacobs father made harem there and such. I should just kill him there and then... but he will be courtmarshalled instead. At such times I can't help but think that humanity should be instinct.

Well... fine, I will leave Commander out if that is all right with you Alenko. By the way, congrats on your promotions.

I am sorry, I didn't meant it so... OK, I did then, but I don't now. I was just so pissed off. You did what you could for the colonists. We only managed to fix the towers because of EDI. Don't blame yourself, it is not your fault. We would end like them also if Mordin wouldn't came up with protection against the Swarn. I am sending you a copy of research on it, already sent one to Anderson. But really, you didn't do anything wrong and it is really not your fault. Maybe it is not to late for them. We might find them and hopefully save them. We are looking...

I wouldn't have believed it either if I wouldn't remember myself dying, and pain after they brought me back and seeing data on it, and seeing pictures of my dead bo... It just doesn't feel right... I am abomination... But that wont stop me, I will do what they brought me back for! Of course you deserve the truth! Thats why I am saying it to you, Alenko, I was dead, no joke about it, no lies, I was dead but I was brought back.

I know! I remember every single thing we discovered... for me it is like it was just "yesterday". I don't trust them, I fully expect them to betray us on some point but what are my choices? I can't idly stand aside and wait while colonies are vanishing. Alliance and Council doesn't want to help me... Cerberus revived me, gave me a ship, giving me information I need. I am very sure there is secondary agenda on their mind, but at least they want to deal with the threat, at least they are aware of it, and right now I will take what I can get and deal with them later, if I survive.

I never lied to you, you know that, I never played you... You were the last thing on my mind when I died, and almost first one when I was woken by Miranda on that accursed station under attack... It saddens me, that you are doubting what we had... But it doesn't matters anymore, you daid it yourself, two years have passed, you moved on and so...

I need to try and get some rest. We are helping Miranda tomorrow to get back her sister and hid her.

I hope that meeting with Anderson went well.

Take care Alenko...

_-Catharzyna_

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><p><em>To be continued... in an hour or so...<br>_


	3. Chapter 3

BioWare owns all!

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><p><em><strong>ANDERSON IS JUST SO...ARGH<strong>_

Catharzyna,

I would so love to kick Anderson in his... I am so mad atm. Only now he tells me that you came to his office seeking help, from Alliance and Council, that you were reinstated as Spectre. Damned bastard! He knew it for weeks, almost all the time I was on Horizon.

Who are EDI, Mordin, Miranda and Jacob by the way?

Yes, I have seen report that you sent to Anderson. Ugly thing. I don't believe what you said, about humanity that is, I don't believe that you really think so.

Thank you, at least being Commander raised my pay-check. It is harder to be one that I thought. I have seen you working at it and you made it look so easy... Guess you are natural. Also thank you for the research files. If we encounter Swarns again it will be very helpful. And thank you for your words, it doesn't help me sleep and I still feel I should do more, but it is nice to hear it... from you.

You really were dead? I still... I can't... I mean, I wish to believe that, but... I don't know, it just sounds so... crazy. Maybe Cerberus lied to you about it?

I am glad that you remember. I can't imagine how it would be like... waking up after two years... everything... different... But anyhow, my mind is a little bit at ease now that I know, that you are watching your back. But still... Cerberus is to dangerous... Please be very careful. Do you really need them? Is there really no other way? You know what I think about cutting corners...

Seeing you after two years believing that you are dead all that time, no word what-so-ever from you... If the case would be switched, would you believe me... could you believe me? Thinking you are dead almost ruined me... I could see you everywhere, ... I could hear your voice when all went silent,... I could smell your perfume,... I would dream you... only to be awaken into hard, cold reality where your light was turned dark... I... everything is just so messed up...

I hope everything went well with Mirandas sister. I have meeting with Udina tomorrow. I am already getting migraine just for thinking about him.

Sleep well... Catharzyna...

_-Kaidan_

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><p><em><strong>RE: ANDERSON IS JUST SO...ARGH<strong>_

Kaidan,

it all went well with Mirandas sister... at least one thing. We were on Ilium but didn't really had time to see anything, it was just out of ship and quickly to warehouses... anyhow, she is safe now.

Miranda is Cerberus Operative and Jacob Taylor is just this ex-Alliance guy that Cerberus set me with, you have meet them on Horizon. I don't really trust either of them, but they are at least good at what they do. Mordin is this crazy Salarian doctor, Kelly (my secretary and ships psychic) said he is like hamster on caffeine and that description fits perfectly. EDI is, well just another member of my crew, doesn't matter really.

Felt the same way about Anderson myself... for stonewalling me about you. Will have a word with him when I am back at the Citadel.

Yea, you are right, I don't really believe it... it is just that people like that make me so mad...

Kaidan, I am telling you the truth, I was dead, dead as it can be. They had to completely rebuild me... even used cybernetics in me... it feels... Awful... I don't know anymore what I truly am... some fucking cyber-human... but at same time, it is still me. Illusive Man made sure they would bring me back exactly as I were... mentally. They said that they improved me... it sounds so awful... Improved Commander fucking Shepard... but it is true... my senses are heightened, my speed, my strength, my biotics... almost everything. But really Kaidan, you have to believe me... I need you... to believe me...

You are welcome. I am sure that you are a good Commander. I always thought you should be one. I wasn't so good... I lost Jenkins... and Ashley... and half of Normandy... At least I find solace in fact that you got others to safety, that I got Joker out in time ( oh, by the way, he and Garrus are with me now and sending their hellos to you) and that I died also... I guess I have my second chance at life so that I can at least try to get some redemption.

Don't even start about Udina... that is one person that I would single-handedly give to Collectors. Maybe he would actually scare them off with his _:" This is OUTRAGE!"_ . Darn, you were so good at imitating him... always made me laugh... I miss that...

We are docked on Illium still, waiting for some clearances, suspected of Salarian flue or something but Mordin says its bullocks. I will go crazy if they don't let us out soon. Joker is arguing with EDI all the time, Jack and Miranda almost killed eachother today... as if I don't have enough to worry about.

Take care...

_-Catharzyna_

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><p><em>To be continued... in an hour or so...<br>_


	4. Chapter 4

BioWare owns all!

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><p><em><strong>TO HELL WITH UDINA...<strong>_

Catharzyna,

I couldn't help myself... I sent Udina flying to the wall... it felt FREAKING AWESOME! I know now how Anderson felt that day, that we stole the ship. Anyhow, Anderson made sure that Udina will have his mouth shut about this. I can't believe it, wait, I can... Udina said you are political shitstorm to happen. I told him that it is their fault, because they don't want to help you. I will continue trying to make them see...

Glad to hear about Mirandas sister. I took the liberty to pull out Taylors file. Seems like decent man, but still,... he is Cerberus now...

I... I am trying... to believe you. It is hard, you know... I can't just... I want to... but... I don't know... is there something... anything that would prove... It is just so hard to wrap my mind around it. I need time... I can't imagine what you are going true... well... a little bit I do... I never felt really human because of biotics and that... only then when... we... that night... and then until you vanished... Still, if what you say is real... what you have to deal with is much harder. I wish I could help you, but I am not sure that I can... But when I have seen you, you seemed human enough, you seemed same as I remembered, maybe just that shadow across your face that you wore when you were worried... that was more intense... but your hair felt the same against my cheek,... and you smelled the same... you weren't anything else but real,.. your skin...

Haha, yes, and your imitations of Elcors... Hilarious. We had some good times, didn't we? I miss them to... I miss...

Illium? I never managed to get there. Who is Jack?

I have a free day tomorrow. I will probably go for a walk on Presidium, it is quieter there...

Be safe...

-_Kaidan_

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><p><em><strong>RE: TO HELL WITH UDINA...<strong>_

Kaidan,

Ilium is CRAZY! I thought Citadel looks marvelous but Ilium... WOW! I really wish you would be here with us. I think you might like Ethernety...

You will not believe who I run into. Liara! She is information broker now, helped me out with some info. She says hello to you and invites you to visit her when you are in around. She changed tho... like everybody else... all of you changed so much... She is hunting Shadow Broker, you know, the one that that Volus told us about. I promised to help her when I have time. I worry for her...

I doubt you can do anything to change their minds, but thank you for trying anyhow. Good luck with it.

Ah, Jack is just some really fucked up girl. She is a biotic, was a test subject in one of the Cerberus facilities. We broke her out of prison, that Pulgatory ship. She is hard one to "control", but at least she is honest.

Just knowing that you are trying to believe is... well, a lot. As said, I have troubles accepting it myself. It is hard to walk around with my "Commander face" pretending that... all is all right. But you know how it is, we Commanders must not show it to our crew. At least I can... "talk" to you... I think... I hope...

Those times that we had... those were probably the best that I ever had, even with all the bad things going on... you made me feel like I could take on the Universe itself. God, I would need that now... But it doesn't do either of us any good if we keep dwelling on it. I am just sorry... I am so sorry... Will you ever be able to forgive me for dying like that back then? But time passed, we both changed, you said so yourself,... you... have your "new" life... I have... my mission... I wish things would end differently, I wish everything would be different...

Free day? Oh, I so wish I would have one. I mean, I did have two years of them, but they don't count since I don't even remember them. Even when I think I am free, I am not. Today Grunt almost pulverized Jokers bones because Joker made a genophage joke. You shouldn't be alone on your day off... why don't you invite that doctor of yours to go with you?

Have fun!

_-Catharzyna_

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><p><em>To be continued... in an hour or so...<br>_


	5. Chapter 5

BioWare owns all!

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><p><em><strong>I AM BORED...<strong>_

Cat,

Liara on Ilium and info dealer, huh, would never imagine that. She disappeared on us after your... death. The last time I have seen her was on your... funeral. I bet she tried to move on you now that we... that you... It is nice of you that you promised your help, but do you really think that is wise? If there is anything I can help with, let me know.

You can always talk with me, Cat, always...

Dr. Chakwas contacted me today, told me what she knew about... you know... you... It is still hard to... you know. I was surprised to learn that she is with you, always thought she would never leave Alliance. She believes in you... I feel so bad... for not being... I am glad that she is taking care for you, really, I am.

I wish that to, Cat, I wish that we could turn time back, that I would stay with you on Normandy back then... Maybe Cerberus can come up with time machine also? They did made one of my wishes true... they brought you back... maybe...

Who is Grunt? Wait! You were being that Pulgathory thing I am hearing around about? What the hell did you think, setting dangerous prisoners free like that!

I meet an old friend of mine, Jarred Fralney, maybe you know him? He told me he is getting married. Guess some get lucky, aren't they?

Are you serious? You want me to invite Jenna? I mean... Why would I... why would you... Why?

From what I hear, you work way to much... Don't forget to rest once in a while. Dr. Chakwas told me that this is really bad for you. Would you please listen to her?

My meeting with the Council was rescheduled, guess I have another 3 days of break... not looking forward to it, maybe I will hit the gym.

Take care, Cat...

_-Kaidan_

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><p><em><strong>RE: I AM BORED...<strong>_

Kai,

I am so tired today... was running all around Ilium, buying upgrades and such, searching for this Asari Justicar that I am suppose to recruit. I wish I would have time to just lay down and sleep for, oh, I don't know, a month or so. I have just a short break right now so I wont be long. We are planning and action for the evening... need to get the name of ship from Eclipse mercs... I highly doubt that we could just waltz in and get it without one bullet shoot...

Time machine sounds just perfect... I would need one very much right now.

Grunt is this pure-blooded tank breed Krogan. We got him from Okeer... It was crazy when I flushed him out from his "glass-mother"... threw me to the wall and wanted to kill me but I guess I made an impression so he joined our cause instead.

I am not sure that I know him, probably I don't. Well, those things are what we fight for... at least there is some light in the Universe...

Dr. Chakwas is exaggerating... I don't need nearly as much rest as she claims. There are just some minor glitches with my cyber-stuff, it will sort out on its own, I am sure. Dont worry about it, I am not.

Her name is Jenna? Nice name. Yes, you should invite her out, have some fun... Don't waste your of-duty time... Just... have fun...

I am sorry, I need to run, we are heading out...

_-Catharzyna_

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><p><em><strong>RE:RE: I AM BORED...<strong>_

Cat,

please be careful out there...

_-Kaidan_

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><p><em><strong>RE:RE:RE: I AM BORED...<strong>_

Kai,

I will, dont worry, I have good team...

_-Catharzyna_

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><p><em>To be continued... today...<br>_


	6. Chapter 6

BioWare owns all!

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><p><em><strong>PASSING THE TIME...<strong>_

Cat,

another Krogan, really Cat, wasn't Wrex enough? And he wanted to kill you? Thats... thats just... You always do make an impression... I doubt anybody can refuse anything you want. Wait, scratch that... What else do you have on that ship of yours? It is strange, knowing that you are on Normandy, and I am not... but it isn't our Normandy... its Cerberus Normandy...

You are recruiting? How many more do you need? And an Asari Justicar on Ilium? Isn't that outside of their space?

I doubt that Dr. Chakwas exaggerates, really Cat, please listen to her, please... I couldn't bare if something happens to you... please.

I am not wasting my of-duty time. I just don't feel particularly social and I do have some small works to do. I need new curtains for my flat. What color do you think I should pick? I am meeting with some people that I know from Earth. They are on vacation here, at Citadel. Can you imagine, coming on vacation here... It sounds so strange, doesn't it. I would pick some spot away from crowds...

I need to get ready, they are coming to pick me up soon. I hope everything is all right with you...

_-Kaidan_

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><p><em><strong>WASNT SO BAD...<strong>_

Cat,

It was actually nice to catch up with them yesterday grabbing something to eat at that new place in Zakera Wards. Funny thing happened there. We were walking along the shops and suddenly I heard :"I am Commander Shepard and this is my favorite store in town!" Then we continued to next shop and again, your voice saying that precise thing, actually every shop said that. What is going on? Somebody messing with your voice now, as they did with that illegal VI of yours?

We also meet this Krogan, don't remember his name, but I think he was drunk. He kept on saying how he ate a fish from Presidium Lake. We thought it was hilarious... there are no fishes in there! You should see him, se was going on and on about that fish. I think you would find it funny.

I think I will go swimming today... not in Presidum Lake, before you get any funny ideas, I know how you get.

Hope to hear from you soon...

_-Kaidan_

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><p><em><strong>IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?<strong>_

Cat,

still waiting to hear from you. Is everything ok? It was very long day yesterday. Did some reading and some shopping. Went for a swim as I said I would. I don't feel like doing anything at all today, I think that a migraine is slowly creeping in...

Will be watching my mail... so don't be a stranger...

_-Kaidan_

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><p><em><strong>WHERE ARE YOU?<strong>_

Cat,

where are you? Did something happen? It is evening already and there is still no word from you... I am really beginning to worry... I tried to get some info Chakwas, Joker and Garrus... none replayed me... Please let me know you are all right...

_-Kaidan_

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><p><em><strong>RE: WHERE ARE YOU?<strong>_

Kai,

everything is fine, stop worrying. I still need to do some things but I promise I will write you soon.

_-Catharzyna_

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><p><em>To be continued... soon...<br>_


	7. Chapter 7

BioWare owns all!

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><p><em><strong>COLOR OF THE CURTAINS? <strong>_

Kai,

How the hell should I know what color your new curtains should be? I don't know even what color your furnishing is or anything else around your flat, that is. That reminds me, why did you sold out your old apartment? I thought you liked it.

We recruited Samara, that Justicar I told you about. She is strange, even for Asari, I can decided between liking and disliking her. I can understand why she is doing, what she does, but nevertheless I question this Code she lives by... The Code "demands" of her that she protects the innocent and punishes the vicked, all good with that, but... at same time she would destroy whole colon just that she would achieve its goal. When police officer Anaya wanted to apprehend her because she got such orders from her superiors, Samara said that her Code allows her to cooperate for one day, but after that she would be forced to fight her way out and kill whoever would try to stop her.( We resolved that complication with a compromise... she went with Anaya and we looked for info that she needed, afterwards she was allowed to leave Illium with us.) It is hard to see logic in that... and yet... I have to ask myself, what would I do, if they confide me while I would have to continue with the mission I am on... I would have to do the same, I would be forced to do it... Thought of it disturbs me and I sincerely hope that I would never in such position to start with.

Anyhow, Samara swore an oath to me, to bide my word, which overrides that Code of hers. It was said that that is one of most difficult oaths to give for Justicar, and evenmore so to a human... She didn't asked me anything, she blindly believes that what I am doing is for greater good... But well, she did promised that she would come after me when the mission would be finished, if I would do something unjust. That is reassuring... But nevertheless, she is an asset to the crew, her biotic abilities are damn impressive.

I am sorry for not writing to you sooner. When I returned to the ship, I wasn't able to do much of anything, even a simple briefing was impossible to do. I contracted some virus, did some conflict with my cybernetics or something, and put me into med-bay with fever. I was feeling like a stamped of Hanars would go over my body, but after I would previously drown and suffocate. I am better now, just a bit low on the energy and have a lot of work to catch up with.

Oh, I forgot to replay you regarding Liara... no, she did not hit on me! To bad tho, I might even appreciate some light-talk. I guess my scarring frighten her away. She seemed preoccupied with this hunt for Shadow Broker, I think it is more or less everything that she lives for. I did got some useful information from her tho, about the next possible recruit that I am about to track down.

Hell, EDI says there is a commotion in the Engineering... I need to attend to that, before this ship becomes just scrap metal.

And hey Commander, I am on duty, you know, Alliance or no Alliance, sometimes I need more time to answer you. Go out, enjoy the peace while it lasts!

_-Catharzyna_

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><p><em><strong>RE: COLOR OF THE CURTAINS? <strong>_

Cat,

sorry, I was without work and I guess... well, you had me worried there. I am finally meeting Council tomorrow and it is hard to keep wits about it, thinking what, or better how, am I to say what I have to say to them. How did you managed it, you know, back then?

Yes, I liked my old flat. I moved into new one just few days before I had to leave for Horizon, didn't even settled in yet properly. I guess I needed to change scenery, you know,... to much memories there... well, one-shore-leave of memories to be more precise.

I read about Justicars and have to agree with you, it is hard to understand them, I am not sure that I would even try to. They do slightly remind me of a Spectres... But are you sure that having her in your team is smart? I mean... she is Justicar and you... you are with... Cerberus...

You would WHAT? Lets say that Alliance apprehends you for working with that damned Cerberus (they could you know!), would you fight your way out because what you think you have to do? Would you be willing to fight me?

I always had this funny feeling about Liara, I don't know, it is not that I would dislike her but at same time I never really liked her either.

Yes well, I had to much free time on my hands and I kindda got used to this... you know... writting...

New diner opened on Presidium today and I plan to check it out with some friends of mine today. That reminds me, I should probably get ready...

Take care!

_-Kaidan_

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><p><em>To be continued...<br>_


	8. Chapter 8

BioWare owns all!

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><p><em><strong>NO TITLE<strong>_

Kai,

glad to hear that you are not constantly holed in that apartment of yours.

I am proud to say, that my crew become bigger for exactly one Drell. He goes by the name Thane. We got him to join yesterday. He was about to assassinate Nassana Dantius, you know, that Asari Diplomat who tricked us into killing her sister. Anyhow, we rushed to Dantius Towers to catch him before he would get himself killed. I wasn't so happy about recruiting an assassin but he is supposed to be the most skilled one in the galaxy... besides, I already have most-skilled-thief Katsumi, brilliant-scientist Mordin who worked on genofage, grand-Bounty-Hunter Zaeed, The-Famous-Archangel-of-Omega-ours-truly Garrus, the-very-pure-blooded-Krogan-"baby" Grunt, awesome Justicar Samara, Miss-Perfection-herself Miranda, a-man-who-can-do-push-ups-all-day Jacob and totally-crazy-psycho Jack... why would we add a sweet and deadly assassin to the lot... seriously, why not... it is not as if we don't already have a recipe for a disaster of galactic measure... so well, HELL YEA, bring him on. In any case, I really do need all the highly skilled people I can get for this mission...

So anyhow, we rushed against time, and arrived to the Towers just in time to save a poor Salarian worker that Nassana ordered her mercers to dispose off. I guess she really went all coo-coo and paranoid, thinking that her other sister is coming for her,... not that she wouldn't deserve it. You can imagine that we encounter quite a reception, but it was... fun. I could actually hear our target sometimes, making his way just above us (have to thank my cyber-enhanced hearing for that) but he was always out of reach. It was... well... just fun... I actually enjoyed this little game we played, but at same time I was worried that we might be to late. It was a good thing that on his way, he somehow managed to lock from harms way few surviving Salarian workers, slowing him down, but well, we had to let them out and send them on the way out that we just cleaned.

I even managed to use my new favorite heavy weapon, The Chain! The explosion was AWSOOOOOMEEE! Anyhow, we got to Nassana first and I am actually quite proud for it. Come on! I beat an assassin who was moving with stealth, and I had carnage on my hands! HAHA! So we got there first and Nassana went all paranoid thinking that we came for her. You should see her face when she saw me there alive after she thought I was still dead. Priceless! But then, o man, I never seen somebody with such a grace. He silently jumped down from the shaft, broke neck of one merc, shoot another one, all in mere blink of the eye and then in a heartbeat he gracefully leaped to Nassana, holding her for one brief second before granting her ethereal night. The bitch deserved it! It was poetic! Utterly awesome! And then to my surprise, he just stood there, hands tightly clenched together before him, praying. I thought he is praying for Nassana but it turned out he was doing so for himself, "a prayer for the vicked" he said.

He told us, that he is trying to bring a little light into the darkness of the Universe before he dies, atonement of a sort, for all the darkness he caused. Anyhow, he is on the team now. The bad part is, that he is dying. He has Kepralls Syndrome, some Drell thing, affecting his lungs, something to do with the moisture in the air, but he says he should be all right for at least another 8 to 12 months... I wish we could do something for him, I can't imagine how it is to know approximately when you will die... wait... scratch that... I almost do know. In any case, he doesn't strike me as an assassin... with his polite, serene behavior and spirituality. If I wouldn't seen him work, I wouldn't believe he is one.

Hm well, Council, yes... honestly, I tried to think as little as I could before meeting them and just let it play out as it would. No special preparations or such. I am sure you will do quite good... just imagine they are all naked and you have a very, very big gun in your hands... if that doesnt work... well give a Hanar as a hat to each councilors head, that should do a trick.

Why wouldn't I want Justicar on board? It is not like I am doing something unjust or that I plan to do something like that. I have nothing to fear from her.

If Alliance would try to apprehend me... yes, I am sorry, but I would have to fight. It would be my last resort, but if all other would fail... I would... my mission is to important. As for you... I don't know... I would try to get you to step aside... or to disable you somehow... if that wouldn't work... I don't know... Lets just hope we never have to find out, OK? But... would you try to stop me, Kaidan? After all that you saw, after all that you know... Would you put me in position where I would be forced to choose between your life and lives of the whole Galaxy?

I hope you had good time with those friends of yours. Was food any good?

We are doing last checking on the machinery and restocking here on Ilos before we will take off. I decided that the crew needs some time off, you know, to blow the steam, me included, so we will use this time to do just that. Besides, my team needs to get to know eachother a bit better, maybe put a grunge or two behind, so I decided to take them out for a good of mingling. Liara said she will join us and actually helped to choose a place of our little gathering, some fancy club. That will be some sight... 5 humans, 2 asaris, krogan, turian, salarian and a drell, all at the same table... We definitely beat the Council on the diversity meter, haha.

Anyhow, it is time for me to get ready. I want at least once look like a normal pretty woman instead the killermachine-cyberhuman-asskicking-female...

That reminds me, any news from the doctor?

Stay safe!

_-Catharzyna_

* * *

><p><em><strong>RE: NO TITLE<strong>_

Cat,

you enjoyed the fight? You never did that... And that Drell assassinating people before your eyes you find artistic? Murder poetic? You didn't even tried to stop him? That is so different from what you... you... I don't know what to say, I really don't... You seem... fascinated by...

The meeting with the Council went as expected... badly as bad can go. They didn't believe me a word or rather they denied they do and don't want to act or implement themselves. We are having another one in few days, when they have time. I wonder why we even saved them sometimes. So now I have even more free time on my hands. I guess I will use it to finish unpacking.

You seriously would, wouldn't you... fight Alliance to get out... And you would stand against me... I never thought that I would be "hearing" something like that... even if you are with terrorists... I would never imagine... I... that is just... that is... something... How the HELL could you do that? I don't even want to think about this... it makes my head hurt...

It is good to hear that you will have a little break. But that team of yours is just mind-boggling. Isn't Cerberus supposed to be all pro-human and anti-aliens? And you have all those aboard? Huh... Well, I hope you lot will have good time out.

You were always pretty,... even if you hated hearing it. As for normal... never...

I bumped into Jenna one one of the walks that I took. We grabbed some quick food and talked for a bit. I am supposed to call her but... I don't know if I will... I don't know if I... want... if I... should... She was surprised to hear that you are really alive and said that I should thank you in her name for all that you did, defeating that Reaper, saving the Citadel and all, and she wishes you good luck in whatever you are up to now. I didn't told her anything about your mission... Wasn't sure if it is classified information or not.

Anyhow, heading to the gym now...

Have fun and don't drink ryncol!

_-Kaidan_

* * *

><p><em>To be continued...<br>_


	9. Chapter 9

BioWare owns all!

* * *

><p>Somthing not so serious this time... you know.. just something. Thanks for taking the time and reading!<p>

* * *

><p><em><strong>WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?<strong>_

Garrus,

why the hell did you think I would want to know this? I don't care if that assassin of yours can move or not. It is not like I would want to dance with him anytime soon, is it? You go ahead tho, if you want.

And you even felt the need to send me that vid of her and him dancing? What the hell?

Go back to that calibrating you always write about.

PS: Yes, she did look amazing. I give you that. And when the hell did she learned to dance like THAT?

_-Kaidan_

* * *

><p><em><strong>RE: WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?<strong>_

Kai,

I believe you typed wrong address and sent me a letter that you meant for Garrus. I am attaching it here in case you would need it.

_-Catharzyna_

**ATTACHMENT:**

_**WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?**_

_Garrus,_

_why the hell did you think I would want to know this? I don't care if that assassin of yours can move or not. It is not like I would want to dance with him anytime soon, is it? You go ahead tho, if you want._

_And you even felt the need to send me that vid of her and him dancing? What the hell?_

_Go back to that calibrating you always write about._

_PS: Yes, she did look amazing. I give you that. And when the hell did she learned to dance like THAT?_

_-Kaidan_

* * *

><p><em><strong>RE:RE: WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?<strong>_

Cat,

fuck, fuck, fuck... sorry... I... fuck...

Thanks for sending it back, at least I wont have to retype it.

Sorry again.

Fuck...

_-Kaidan_

* * *

><p><em><strong>RE:RE:RE: WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?<strong>_

Kai,

don't fret. You know, breath in, breath out, breath in,... hehe.

_-Catharzyna_

* * *

><p><em><strong>RE:RE:RE:RE: WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?<strong>_

Cat,

thanks for making fun out of me... you...you... you evilness...

_-Kaidan_

* * *

><p><em><strong>RE:RE:RE:RE:RE: WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?<strong>_

Kai,

you are welcome and thanks for becoming perfect target for it also. If you want, I can even make some more fun out of you, just say a word, although, Garrus had quite funny comments regarding that blumper of yours, so I don't think it is needed.

_-Catharzyna_

* * *

><p><em><strong>RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE: WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?<strong>_

Cat,

well, thank you very much. Now I feel so very much better...

_-Kaidan_

* * *

><p><em><strong>RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE: WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?<strong>_

Kai,

glad to oblige. Anytime.

_-Catharzyna_

* * *

><p><em><strong>RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?<strong>_

Cat,

so how was your night out? I already know that you danced with... that Drell, so you can leave that out.

_-Kaidan_

* * *

><p><em><strong>RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?<strong>_

Kai,

don't have time now. Playing Skyllian Five with Garrus, Joker, Thane and Kasumi.

Garrus asked me to say to you: Chill out, man!" and Joker asked me to remind you, that you still owe him 1000 creds from the last time you two played.

_-Catharzyna_

* * *

><p><em><strong>RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE: WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?<strong>_

Cat,

I wont bother you then.

Tell Garrus to go calibrate his ass and to Joker, that I still owe him broken bones also.

_-Kaidan_

* * *

><p><em><strong>RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE: WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?<strong>_

Kai,

done. Joker said : "Screw you!"

_-Catharzyna_

* * *

><p><em><strong>RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE: WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?<strong>_

Cat,

tell Joker, yes, he will need screws... to hold his bones together.

_-Kaidan_

* * *

><p><em><strong>RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE: WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?<strong>_

Kai,

let me play for crying out loud. I am not your fucking secretary!

_-Catharzyna_

* * *

><p><em><strong>RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE: WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?<strong>_

Cat,

I wouldn't mind if you would be.

_-Kaidan_

* * *

><p><em><strong>RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?<strong>_

Kai,

... ... ...

_-Catharzyna_

* * *

><p><em><strong>RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?<strong>_

Cat,

what?

_-Kaidan_

* * *

><p><em><strong>RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?<strong>_

Kai,

I AM PLAYING!

-_Catharzyna_

* * *

><p><em><strong>RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?<strong>_

Cat,

FINE!

_-Kaidan_

* * *

><p><em>To be continued...<br>_


	10. Chapter 10

BioWare owns all!

* * *

><p><strong>HEY YOU<strong>

Kai,

sorry for yesterday, I guess, but really, we were having a game on, sharing drinks... we have so little time to relax...

Anyhow, you wanted to hear how was our night out... Well, it was great, I don't actually remember when I last had so much fun, you know, just forgetting about everything, enjoying time spent with some friends. So we started the evening with a dinner, an array of exotic looking dishes. Everybody tried everything, except for the things that would be toxic of course. I almost chocked on some squishy purple thing... It was hilarious to watch reactions to the tastes. Dinner was followed by a generous amount of drinks, bartender was pleased, we did some gambling, nothing serious, and some dancing. In any case it all went better than I expected and I would daresay that crew is slightly more connected now. There are some individuals that a bit concern me as they tend to keep more by themselves, obvious at that are Samara and Thane. All other were literary excited when I told them we would go out for a bit of relaxation, but those two... noooo... I am quite sure that they would even refuse, if they wouldn't think that we would find that offensive.

In any case, we are on our way to Tuchanka now. Our baby Krogan has some problems with his...hm... temper, I guess, and that is probably the only place where we can find out what is going on. You know how closed Krogans are when it comes to medical things... because of genofage and all. At same time we will also conduct a little Search and Rescue action as one of Mordins co-workers is opposed to be abducted by Krogans and held against his will somewhere on the planet. All of it shall be potentially problematic, since you know how Krogans are regarding their home panet.

And yes, I tend to enjoy fights now... there is something primal in them.

You know what Kaidan, everybody changes, it is just that some changes happen slowly over time and other are quicker. We change because we grow, because we learn new things, because of what happened to us... Some of these changes are for the better other for worst, but regardless of that, they are needed.

And I remember the time when we defied our orders and stole Normandy. You weren't nearly as opposed to mutiny as you are now... and what, just two years have passed and you have trouble accepting that I would do just the same this time. And I should also remind you that I AM SPECTRE and thus I would be in all legal right to do so.

It is not the matter of what you mean to me or what you don't... it is a matter of one life against the lives of billions. You are alliance soldier yourself and thus you should be able to understand and accept that.

Surprised? Well Cerberus is not exactly what it was back then. They are willing to make a compromise if that means saving human lives, They are not as blind as Council or Alliance. I wont lie to myself tho... they are still bad and I don't trust them.

Say thanks to Jenna in my name. She seems like a nice girl. You shouldn't let her wait like that. Just call her and don't think about it to much.

_-Catharzyna_

* * *

><p><strong>RE: HEY YOU<strong>

Cat,

don't mention it, and I am sorry from my part also. It just remembered me of times we spent together, before Normandy was... you know... If this ship you have now wouldn't be Cerberus and you wouldn't be Cerberus... then I would wish... I would be there.

Yes, I can imagine you got connected quite nicely... you all... I am still trying to figure out when did you learned to dance like that... you couldn't had much practice... being dead... or is there a a grand dance floor in the afterlife or however you want to call it, huh... if I believe that you really were dead... I guess I am wondering from where all that came from, you know... the vid Garrus sent...

Some time ago I heard that Wrex is on Tuchanka... maybe you will run into him.

You were Spectre back then also, but you didn't cut corners like you seem to be doing now. With all due respect, but being a Spectre doesn't justify what you would do or you are doing. That time I believed in you and I knew you are doing right thing, we all did, and that was only reason we joined you...

You are naive Cat, if you think that Cerberus is allowing all that because they want good. I think the onky reason for them to do so is to sooth you. They are singing lullaby to you and you are willingly listening and falling asleep. Can't you really not see that?

I tend to wonder why you want me to call her... I kindda thought that we would... you would... I don't know, really... It just isn't so easy.

I am still grounded, doing nothing inparticular, Do you plan to stop by Citadel anytime soon?

Take care,

_-Kaidan_

* * *

><p><em>To be continued...<br>_


	11. Chapter 11

BioWare owns all!

* * *

><p><em><strong>FINALLY SOME TIME AGAIN<strong>_

Kai,

sorry that it took so much time for me to write you back. We are on our way to pick up Tali now, well, at least I hope that she would join. We will see.

I actually meet Wrex! He is the clan leader, and not just some clan, but the most prominent one. He was so happy to see me... It brought tears to the backs my eyes, didn't show it tho as you can imagine what the reaction of other krogans would be if such would be seen. The reception he gave me was... I would expect it from you, but surly not from him. In any case, he is doing great and has a Vision for his people.

It turned out that our baby krogan has grown up. The problem of his was a natural progress of his kind. We had to participate in The Rite of Passage, as they call it the passage to an adult. We fought waves of varrens, followed by the waves of some awful exploding spiders or crabs or something, I have no idea what they were. For the end we had to deal with threser maw, it was pain in the ass to fight it on foot but we took it down, first ones after a very long time, Wrex was supposed to be the last who actually managed it. So our baby krogan is now known as Urdnut Grunt and he choose me as his Battlemaster. I can't help myself, but I am so proud.

We also went on that search&rescue land-party, that I told you about, and it turned out that there was no need fo rescue. The salarian was trying to discover the cure for genophage... but his research was unethical... we had to shut it down.

You still don't believe I really died, don't you? As for dancing... I don't know, maybe it has something to do with the upgrades that they did... or maybe is Thane simply a good dancer and it caught on me.

Don't "with all due respect" me! Get in that tiny head of yours already that I AM NOT cutting corners. I am doing this because I HAVE NO CHOICE. You yourself is dealing with Alliance and Council and can see that they don't want to listen. So with all due respect this: I will save the galaxy and if I do it with Cerberuses help, then so be it.

I can clearly see that you don't believe me, don't believe in me. Not anymore. And all that I had to do to loose that trust of yours was to die and stay dead for two years. Just peachy! Well, ou know what, Chawaka, Joker and Garrus seem to still have faith in me. Figure that!

And why not? We might completely disagree on some things but I would still wish that what would be good for you. I am not forcing you to call her, but I tend to believe that you like her enough that you had to mention her.

Us coming to Citadel? Why would you want to know? Planning on trying to apprehend us maybe? In any case, honestly, I don't know. There is nothing for us in the Citadel right now.

Have fun.

_-Catharzyna_

* * *

><p><em><strong>RE: FINALLY SOME TIME AGAIN<strong>_

Cat,

well, I am sorry that I didn't quite meet the expectations. You can't get past that as it seems. Glad to hear that Wrex is doing fine for himself, seems it was a good thing that you didn't had to kill him.

You earned my trust back then, but you vanishing for so long and showing up under Cerberus banner has... lost it to some degree... I mean... I didn't mean it like that... You still have my trust... but... I doubt in you when Cerberus is concerned.

I would hope that we would... maybe... meet there and maybe... we... would... I don't know, talk, have a drink... Wouldn't you want that?

-_Kaidan_

* * *

><p><em><strong>RE:RE: FINALLY SOME TIME AGAIN<strong>_

Kai,

you know what, I am sorry that you didn't also. And no, I can't let it go just like that... you turned your back on me, you of all people... and I can just forget it as you seem you can't forget my cooperation with Cerberus. I am fucking tired of trying to make you see a reason. I just wont be spending any more energy on that, I have to much of other things to attend to.

To what end? What would us meeting changed? We would still be both thinking the same.

-_Catzharzyna_

* * *

><p><em>To be continued...<br>_


	12. Chapter 12

BioWare owns all!

…

_**TO WHAT END?**_

Cat,

… I am sorry again, but I can't change who I am. Well good, stop wasting your precious energy then, it wont change anything anyhow.

To what end? You need to ask that? I would have hoped that you would wish to talk about… us.

Or did you already found someone else on that ship of yours? Garrus did mention that you spend quite some time with that drell… and that you take him out on every mission.

I am going out for drinks.

_-Kaidan_

…

_**RE:TO WHAT END?**_

Kai,

I know you cant and I can't change who I am either, so we are in agreement at least on that.

Look Kaidan, we obviously fell apart and I don't believe that little talk can solve it. You have thrust issues and I… as much as I care for you… I just cant see us together anymore… not now…. not when you cant support me… It just isn't good idea to try and fix anything right now. The fact that we are at least on "speaking terms" should suffice for now.

Besides, I told you already that I am on a suicidal mission, the chances of us succeeding are slim, the chances of us returning even slimmer. I can't afford having something distracting me… all that really matters to me right now is our mission.

That drell has a name and it is Thane. I will not lie to you, I do tend to take him on every assignment and I do that because he is good. His lightning-fast technique fits perfectly with Garrus and me and I would be utterly stupid if I wouldn't use that to our advantage. As for spending free time with him, yes I tend to do that to. Culture and spirituality of his race are interesting. It is always wise to learn about other cultures…

I hope you are enjoying your drinks.

_-Chatarzyna_

…

_To be continued…_


End file.
